On Generosity

mary pickford at writing desk_loc_public domain

Every other year in April I attend the Festival of Faith & Writing in Grand Rapids, Michigan.  It’s the best continuing education I do.  Three days full of panels, Q&A, plenary speakers, poetry, prose, screenwriting, and (usually) tulips, the bright, ordered heralds of spring.  The first year I went, I had to take a break midway through the second day to write poetry.  This is not normal behavior for me but I was so full I had to pour something back out.

There are usually some bigger name presenters (Mary Karr, Marilynne Robinson, Eugene Peterson) from the fuzzy-edged worlds of faith and writing.  Often, though, my favorite Festival writer happens to be someone I’d never heard of before but who captures my attention.  This year that person was Christine Byl, author of Dirt Work, who lured me in with a talk on writing about a community while being part of it.

Anne Lamott was one of the big name speakers this year.  I’ve read a lot of her books.  I preached a sermon series on Help, Thanks, Wow, I read her strangely long and beautiful Facebook posts, and everyone in the past 20 years who’s interested in writing has read or heard of Bird by Bird.  So she wasn’t an unknown person or writer I stumbled across at the Festival.  I was looking forward to hearing her speak, but I had a sense I’d probably heard most of it before.  Like many faithful and writerly folks, she tends to circle around some of the same themes from varying angles.

That’s what she did.  But what captured my attention was her generosity.  In her particular Lamott-I-packed-the-wrong-too-tight-pants way, she stood in an arena in front of thousands of us, informal, human, full of mistakes and longing.  She has published at least 15 books but she focused on the torturous, determined ritual of writing.  In great detail, she walked us through how long it took her to write a Facebook post the previous weekend and how many times she got up from the task and sat back down again.  She told us it never gets easier, describing all the time-wasting ways she could avoid writing once she made it back home to California.  She told us how she’d spend her weekend, making herself get up for church on Sunday morning even though everyone would understand she’d had a long week and was freshly home from a long flight.  Come Monday, she would sit at the computer again to write.  Anne Lamott, big name author, pulled the curtain wide and said This is how it’s done.  She didn’t say this in a superior, hero, famous person way.  She said it writer to writer.  No bones about it:  writing is hard work and you will want to get up about 50 times an hour and do anything else. 

If you’ve read Lamott or heard her speak, you know there was a lot more detail than this.  She tells seemingly roundabout stories that loop and loop until you’ve lost yourself a little bit.  But they come around with a wallop. 

The thing about admiring someone or wanting to emulate something she’s done is the admiration and emulation keep you distant.  What Anne Lamott did was invite us in.  She could have delivered a speech that left us all thinking I want to be like that.  Instead, she left us with the sure sense we already have what we need. 

It was a generous act.  She didn’t hide behind the accomplishments of her library shelf.  She offered to show us in intimate, messy, daily, routine, non-glamorous detail how she works with herself to get some writing done.  She didn’t offer any platitudes about the amazing things she’s learned in all these years of publishing.  She said It never gets easier.  You just do it.  She didn’t display a perfect writing environment with expensive tools and an ideal time of day.  She revealed a real life and her own real struggle to wake up every day and write in the midst of it.  She said, Come Monday, this is what I will do.  Again.  I will hate it and I will try to avoid it.  But I will make myself start again.  How about you?

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photo credit:  Mary Pickford by Hartsook Photo, 1918.   Public domain image.

 

Unexpected

A sermon preached on Mark 10: 17-22, delivered during Wesley’s baccalaureate worship the evening before UVA graduation.

There are certain things we think we know.  Like what success after graduation looks like and the right path to achieving it.  Or how Jesus is supposed to act. 

So sometimes, when we come across a story like this one from Mark, we aren’t sure what to do with it.  Isn’t Jesus supposed to run after this man and make it easier for him?  Convince him he’s really the Way?  Give him one more chance?  Force him to follow?  It can make us uncomfortable when things don’t go like we think they will or should.

Maybe this is why so many graduation speakers sound alike and why those books you can buy for graduates also sound alike.  As a culture, we want to send you all out there with marching orders and a firm, believable, reliable path for getting exactly where we think you’re supposed to go. 

The problem with this is we often don’t know where we are going.  Or why.

While many of you were at the beach last week, light-writing and beach-combing, I was reading a book called Dirt Work by Christine Byl, a writer I was introduced to at the Festival of Faith & Writing I attended last month in Michigan.  Byl graduated from college with a plan to get a PhD so she could teach and write.  Her whole life had pointed her in the direction of academic life and indoor pursuits – the life of the mind, as it’s sometimes called.  There wasn’t a question in her mind about the goal.  But she wanted to spend a year or so taking a break in a beautiful place with her boyfriend before she dove back into the next degree.

So they moved to Montana.  And the plan started to unravel.  Or take shape.  Depending upon who you ask.

On a lark, Byl signed up late in the summer season to work on a trail crew in Glacier National Park.  These are the folks who repair trails, build walls, remove downed trees, and generally make hiking enjoyable for the rest of us.  There is little that had prepared her for this work.  She describes herself as 125 pounds soaking wet and she’d spent more time in libraries and in front of computers than she had using chainsaws or hauling heavy things.  Before the trail job, she hadn’t done much outdoors other than hike.

But like all good teachers, trail work showed her what she was missing.  Rather than seeing academics as higher and more desirable and manual labor as lower and less prestigious, she realized they had different things to teach and that she was in need of learning what the woods could teach, too.  The seemingly offhanded decision to join a trail crew late in the season ended up becoming the start of an entirely new education.  From the beginning, she knew she was on a journey but she didn’t know where she was headed.  Eighteen years later she’s still doing trail work.  The place, the people, and the work transformed her and showed her a new path.  Something completely unknown, unseen, and unexpected when she set out for Montana.

Unexpected, like Jesus giving the man what he really wanted and needed, though not what he asked for.  Mark tells us the man is getting ready for a journey and wants to nail down the unexpected – Here’s the list of all the commandments I keep now what else should I be doing?  I want to have my bases covered.  Jesus gives him something else, an invitation.  Come, follow, untangle yourself from the possessions that tie you down, live courageously and with transforming risk…  This is, of course, not what the man wants to hear.  He wants a list.  He wants tried and true.  He wants to have his expectations met, not overturned.  If he were walking the Lawn with you tomorrow he’d have one of those graduate books and a five-year plan up his sleeve.

Whenever I read this story I wonder what happened next.  All we’re told is the man went away sad and that Jesus let him go.  Did he sleep well that night?  Did he catch up with Jesus later?  Did he ask another rabbi the same question?  Did he write off Jesus as crazy and live the way he intended all along?

Maybe that unexpected encounter with Jesus bore fruit in the man’s life eventually.  Maybe not.

For the man in the story as we have it, he misses his opportunity.  For Christine Byl, she seized her opportunity and was seized by it.  She let it lead her on a path she had never considered – one that revealed her calling and her most authentic self.  She writes, “…I believe that the surprising turns our lives take can bring us to our unexpected selves” (Dirt Work, pp. xxi-xxii).

I hope your time at UVA has been unexpected and I hope at least part of that has been because of your involvement in the Wesley community.  Maybe being part of Wesley overturned Sunday school assumptions and easy answers, helped you form deeper community than you thought possible, rerouted your major and your direction from here…  Maybe it’s been as simple as the realization that the most important part of college wasn’t the college itself but what you did, who you did it with, and who you’ve become while you were here.

I have seen you take steps in the direction of your unexpected selves.  Keep going.

Count on the blessings of the unexpected.  Know that whatever paths you take – loopy roundabout paths or five-year-plan paths – God has surprises in store for you.  God will bless you with the unexpected over and over again.  God is not done with you yet.  And though you may come with only the patience for the answer you want to receive, God will give you what you need.  Every time.  In every place.  On every path.  The ones that lead into the woods and those that lead back out again. 

The God who met you here and transformed your college years in an unexpected place like Wesley will meet you on any path you chose from here – including the paths that seem to choose you.  You can count on that.

Thanks be to God!

First World

bringbackourgirls_girl rising

People mention “first world problems” in apologetic tones or bravely bragging tones.  I (sort of) feel guilty about complaining this way on Facebook, but how annoying is it when you are stuck in the airport and you can’t find a place to plug in your charger?…So blessed to have the choice between Harvard and Yale – but how will I ever decide?  This is torment! 

For most of us, receiving a perspective check is really helpful from time to time.  It truly helps to zoom out from our habitual tight shots to see what else is happening in the scene, beyond our limited roles.  From the right person, a firm and gentle reminder that in the great scheme of things this set back is manageable helps you get a grip on the situation and yourself.  From the wrong person, getting a “first world problem” label slapped on you can feel insulting, dismissive, and missing the point entirely.

A deeper problem with our facile use of this phrase is our complicit acceptance of a world subdivided into importance, wealth, education, freedom, health, and opportunity by designations like first and developing.  As if, by recognizing even in a snarky social-media way what we’re talking about is “only” a first world problem, we are freed up to go ahead and revel in it and ignore the rest of the world.

This is why I’ve been so heartened by the rallying cry for the kidnapped Nigerian girls:  Bring Back Our Girls.  Our girls.  As if we recognize we all have responsibility for the world’s children. 

As we head into the knarly mess of a liturgical service this Sunday (aka Mother’s Day), this rallying cry brings me hope.  It’s the cry of men and women who stand with the mothers and fathers who’ve lost their girls.  It’s the cry of solidarity between Nigerians and Americans who stand together in our belief in education for boys and girls.  It’s the collective cry of one world, daily divided and divvied up, but claiming a unity of purpose and perspective that resembles kinship and the reign of God.

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photo credit:  Girl Rising.  Used with permission.

 

Custody of the Eyes

When you swim freestyle, if you have your head in the right position, your neck is long and un-crooked and your eyes are looking straight down at the black line of tile on the bottom of the pool.  Your head is in line with the rest of your body, with just the back of it at the surface of the water.  The temptation is to bend your neck back so the crown of your head erupts from the water and your eyes are looking forward, finding the wall or the swimmer in front of you or whatever’s next.  There’s no need for this, since it creates unwanted drag in the water, changing your form from one long line to a shorter line with a lump at the end of it.  Also, that’s what the black line is for.

swimming pool with lane ropes and lines

The black line tells you everything you need to know about what’s coming up ahead.  It changes into a T just before the wall, giving you plenty of time to prepare for your turn without running head first into the wall.  After the turn, there it is again, leading the way.

I swim several miles a week so I spend a lot of time staring down at the black line, reminding myself it is, indeed, the correct position.  When I find my head pulling back and looking forward I remind myself again and resume my black line gaze.  When my competitive nature kicks in and I want to look sideways at the next lane to see how I compare to that other swimmer, I move my head back to the correct position.  In line, eyes on the line.

My other temptation is getting ahead of myself in the count.  If I am at 16 laps and my plan is to switch strokes when I get to 20 laps, my mind starts to calculate and plan about that next set of 20 laps.  A lap or two goes by while I’m busy in my head and I realize I’ve lost count.  Was that 16 or 18?  Or, I’m at 16 laps and I start scheduling my day, calculating meeting times and how long it will take to accomplish certain tasks, and whether I have time to call so-and-so, and if I’ll feel like vacuuming when I get home, and if not, will I care or fret…Was that 16 or 18?  How long was I lost in my head just then?  My body’s floating in chlorinated water but for that lapse of time I was really someplace else.

As in swimming, so in life.  Staying right where I am, eyes and attention focused on exactly what I’m doing now, is one of the hardest spiritual disciplines.  I constantly want to consider the next 20 laps while I’m trying to make it through this 20.  It’s too easy to lose track that way, to do a poor job on the laps at hand, to develop the bad habit of never inhabiting the present moment while always planning for the future moments.

Monastic communities engage in a practice called “custody of the eyes” and lately I’ve been thinking about that phrase as I remind myself to keep staring at the black line in the pool.  The idea is to keep your eyes to yourself, both to preserve your spiritual equilibrium and to give privacy and respect to others.  It’s often evoked when talking about ogling people in a sexual way, but Catholics also speak of practicing custody of the eyes during Communion, keeping one’s gaze down, away, and internally focused.  In monastic communities, custody of the eyes enables people to live, work, and pray in intimate quarters while preserving privacy.  Where our eyes land, so does our attention.  Keeping custody of the eyes is about working on your own stuff, whether you’re in a crowd at church or walking down the street alone, and it’s about being present to what’s before you right now.

Out of the pool I wear glasses.  In the pool I wear non-prescription goggles.  I can’t see the expression on the lifeguard’s face but the goggles cut the water’s fuzziness just enough that I can see the black line.  This would not be good enough in land life but it’s more than sufficient in the water.  Maybe it’s even better, helping keep me focused on the only thing I can really see, the black line orienting me to the right position and the next stroke, and the next.

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photo credit:  Adapted from original photo  © 2011 Xander,  CC BY-2.0

 

Come on over. My house is a mess.

My mom and my aunt giggle remembering the Ritter family in their 1950’s neighborhood.  Apparently, whenever my family would pass by their house the curtains were unflatteringly askew.  It came to be a thing they looked for and snickered about and, eventually, named “rittered curtains.”  As in, “Fix those curtains.  Look at how they’re rittered.”

My mom also remembers her mother ironing handkerchiefs.   

stylized maid serving tea

My parents tell another story about the house I grew up in.  At one point my mom took down the curtains in their bedroom to wash them.  Many weeks later when my dad noticed them missing he asked about it.  They were in a washed but wrinkled pile in the laundry room, waiting for my mom to iron them so she could put them back up on the windows.  Once she’d filled him in on the proceedings, my dad said, matter-of-factly, with no judgment, “I guess we’d better buy new curtains.”

My mom hates ironing.

I love the satisfaction of an ordered, clutter-free, no-rings-around-the-tub house.  I feel like I can relax and enjoy being in it when it’s clean and tidy.  I am definitely the kind of person who cleans for company – I even clean when I invite students over for dinner.  Company is company.  But we haven’t had anyone over in a long, long time.  Until this week – because my parents are coming – I’m pretty sure we hadn’t cleaned the entire house since New Year’s Eve. 

I know where my iron is but can’t say the last time I used it.

I fantasize about hiring someone to clean our house twice a month.  I have it all worked out, how the cleaners would arrive on Monday mornings after my lovely but magically-crumb-producing stepson leaves from the weekend.  I hesitate for many reasons:  I come from a family who invented “rittered curtains” as a category; I come from a family who’s always done our own cleaning; and, it’s not in the budget right now. 

I also hesitate because there’s a part of me that thinks If you’re too busy to clean your house, you’re too busy.  It’s a strange life when the things that sustain us –preparing food, cleaning our homes, sleeping, moving our bodies about outside, relaxing – are considered things for which we are “too busy.”  I don’t need enough time on my hands to take up ironing sheets (and undershirts and handkerchiefs, if men still wore these) but I would love to feel like we have enough time to keep up with the basics.  I would like to be on a cleaning schedule that’s more frequent than quarterly.

You can see from this tale how each generation of my family has relaxed the standard of the previous generation.  But I still want to invite someone over to a comfortable and clean house.  I can’t completely give that one up.  So we’ve had very little company or dinner guests lately.  Here we are at Easter weekend with our first company since New Year’s Eve.   

It’s Holy Week and I have been sick with the crud since Sunday night:  these two facts alone should be enough to cut myself some slack.  Nope.  I knocked myself out (and my husband, too) to get the house clean by Good Friday.

This isn’t simply about busy-ness or family lineage.  It’s about perfectionism.

Brené Brown tells a story about friends stopping by her house unexpectedly when the place was a mess.  Brown’s daughter came to find her with a worried expression on her face – worried in advance about the stress the surprise visit would generate in her mom.  But Brown, who was at that very moment working on her book (The Gifts of Imperfection),  simply changed her clothes and said to her daughter, “I’m so glad they’re here.  What a nice surprise!  Who cares about the house!”   She walked bravely to the door with a smile on her face and welcomed her friends in for a visit in her completely imperfect house.  She says she did so while putting herself “in a Serenity Prayer trance” (The Gifts of Imperfection, p. 58). 

Maybe someday Brené Brown will be the matron saint of vulnerability and glorious imperfection.  Maybe I’ll have a little statue I can shoot a glance at when the doorbell rings or a text chimes with the opportunity to entertain a guest.  I need the encouragement because I am not there yet on my own.  Clearly.

How about you?  How do you save your sanity while not living in swill?  How do you cut yourself some slack?  What family traditions have you let go of in order to make more room for life?  How’s your life becoming more gracious these days?

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photo credit:   Public domain.  Originally produced for the Works Progress Administration, circa 1939.

Where I Stand

A friend asked me recently, commenting on the news of United Methodist clergy celebrating weddings for same-sex couples, “Where do you stand?”  Specifically, she wanted to know what I would do if a same-sex couple came to me to celebrate their wedding.

It’s not a short answer.

Our church’s fights over sexuality are part of why it took me so long to be ordained.  If I’m honest, I was hearing God at least as far back as college but was still resisting the call even during seminary.  Besides a Jonah-like stubborn streak, the sexuality wars were part of my resistance.  Some of the people who inspired me most in ministry, who gave me a vision for what it could be like to serve in the church, are gay.  I watched as they switched gears into other careers and callings.  I went to seminary with some who would be much stronger clergy then I am, but who don’t have that option available, based on their God-given sexuality. 

logo for the Reconciling Ministries Network

For too long I thought accepting God’s call to ordained ministry meant accepting everything the United Methodist Church currently states in its Book of Discipline.  (Here’s the section called The Social Principles, where our positions on most cultural issues are found.  We currently do not ordain “self-avowed practicing homosexuals” nor are clergy permitted to officiate or churches permitted to host same-sex ceremonies.)  I knew I couldn’t do that with integrity and it held me back.  I didn’t exactly have to spend time in the belly of a whale, but through years of wrestling and running I came to understand it differently.  I realized I need to be able to articulate the church’s current positions but complete agreement on non-doctrinal matters was not part of the call.

During the Jonah years, during the long-awaited ordination process, and during my ministry I have not been quiet about my disagreement.  In my preaching, teaching, conversation, writing, witness and pastoral care, I have not been quiet.  But let me be crystal clear:  love is love; I fully support LGBTQ people, marriage equality, and ordination regardless of sexuality.  I think our church is wrong on this and I’m inspired by the rumblings and protests and what feels like more and more energy in the right direction.  I am rooting for change and I am trying to help enact it.

Last spring I signed An Altar for All.  I really wanted to sign the first option, that I would officiate at same-sex weddings.  After thought, prayer, and a long conversation with my husband, I signed the second option, which is “clergyperson supportive of others officiating same-sex ceremonies.” 

Of course I wanted to sign option one.  Of course I want to be able to say yes when students, alumni, and friends come to me asking to be married.  I want all of them to know they can come and I can say yes.

We’re not there yet.

The problem with taking a long time to answer God’s call to ordained ministry is I had plenty of time to get really clear on what I was answering.  The call is from God and my deepest allegiance is there, which is why I understand and support clergy who feel called to act in defiance of our current Book of Discipline (a document that is by its nature changeable, edited every four years at General Conference).  But for reasons I still don’t fully understand, God called me to ministry in the United Methodist Church and I believe God is still calling me to ministry in this church. 

When my husband and I discussed this and the dynamics of institutional change, he said, “Not everyone can be the point of the spear.”  Some are called to this.  Some are called to work more incrementally, from within the system as it currently exists.  I would love to be the point of the spear.  My ego wants that.  But being a Christian means God’s call takes precedence over the way I would write the story. 

I still hear God calling me to ordained ministry in the United Methodist Church.  And I believe God is working in the church and transforming individuals and the institution.  I hope the work goes quickly and I am trying to be part of that work – because I believe the church is better with me in it.  That’s not always a comfortable or ego-pleasing place to be, but it’s the place I feel called to be.

I don’t know what will happen in our church.  We seem to be gaining momentum, at least in the United States.  I don’t know if we’ll be tempted to split or if we’ll give in to that temptation.  Maybe, if we do, it won’t be temptation but yet another call.  I can’t tell from here.

All I can tell you is that, for now, I would have to say no to officiating at a same-sex ceremony.  Even as my heart would want to scream yes and even as I continue to work for change in the institution.  Even as it breaks my heart that we’re still here and still stuck.  Even as I would be unable to serve as a juror in a clergy trial because I’d never find someone “guilty” of officiating a same-sex wedding.  Even as it would be both a huge victory and a huge embarrassment to have the Commonwealth of Virginia “beat us to it.” 

But the end of the story is never where we think it is with God.  We worship a wily and confounding God who is surely stirring hearts and minds as She blows through this institution, messing with our ideas, allegiances, sacred cows, and callings.  So I keep attentive, keep listening, keep hopeful.  And I keep working for change, for justice.

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Photo credit:  Reconciling Ministries Network

The Scarlet V

For the record, I have never wanted a Whitman’s sampler or something from Jared.  But I have wanted something different out of Valentine’s Day for most of my life.

Wesley love_cookies collage_marylacygrecco_c2014

In high school you could buy single flowers for people (mums at homecoming, roses at Valentine’s).  It was both fundraiser and humiliation device.  By lunchtime, the popular kids were piling stacks of long-stemmed roses on top of their books as they struggled to make it to class under all that love.  Throughout the long morning, flowers were delivered to individuals in their classrooms.  So it wasn’t enough to watch someone’s tally grow as a pile they carried around all day – you had to have class interrupted multiple times, all eyes on the delivery personnel, as the well-loved were brought yet another rose.

I got flowers from my best friends and my brother.  I was thankful they loved me, sure, but more so that I could carry around at least 2 or 3 flowers rather than none.  I really wanted one of my unrequited loves to come to his senses, though none ever did. 

Throughout my childhood and most of my adulthood my mom has given me a Valentine’s card.  For a long time I felt like I did about the flowers in high school:  thankful not to be entirely left out but a little embarrassed that they weren’t “real” Valentines. 

By the time I was in seminary I openly fantasized about throwing a Hester Prynne party on February 14th.  I wanted to make gingerbread cookies and decorate them with scarlet icing on each little chest.

When Woody and I met and he discovered I had never had a boyfriend when Valentine’s Day rolled around, he made sure not to overlook my first time.  It was sweet, attentive, silly, and full of chocolate, rose petals, and love notes.  It was lovely.

But, as my friend Jan has said about life with her husband, at that point it was redundant.  That Valentine’s Day with Woody wasn’t any better than every day I spend with him.  He makes it a point to show and tell me he loves me all year long.  (I only hope I’m half as good at showing and telling him.)

I still think a Hester Prynne party would be fantastic.  But over 39 years of unsatisfying Valentine’s Days, I dreaded the day because I wanted proof I was lovable, demonstrated in some publicly understood manner, so there were no more questions on the matter.  It’s painful to admit that because, if you had asked me on any one of those days, I would probably have given you a superlative feminist cultural critique about why it didn’t matter, while inside feeling heartbroken yet again. 

What’s even more painful to admit is how blind and stupidly proud I was.  I don’t know how lovable I am, but I have been loved well by many people my whole life.  The Valentines my mom gave me were also redundant.  Among many other examples I could give:  Mom came from two hours away to do my laundry every week for the four months I was on crutches with a broken ankle.   

As with God’s grace, I have done nothing to deserve or warrant any of these good and loving people.  But I am so thankful for them.  I spent too many years hoping for something that hadn’t come along yet and not fully recognizing what was right there the whole time.  Don’t make my mistake. 

Happy Valentine’s Day. 

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photo credit:   © 2014 Mary Lacy Grecco.  Used with permission.

 

7 Ways to Improve Your Ministry and Your Relationship with Time

sundial in snow_2010_noakes

Wondering how to fit in a vacation this year?  Can’t remember the last time you took a day off or experienced a weekend without work?  Stop that!  Here’s some of what I’ve learned and am still learning, offered for clergy and others who long for a healthier, more relaxed pace.

 [Click here for the rest of the story and my list of 7 ways to improve your relationship with time, over at the National Campus Ministry Association blog.]

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photo credit:  “Sundial covered in snow” © 2010 Will Noakes,  CC BY-2.0

 

5 Things that are Definitely Not Resolutions

I am not into resolutions.  You can probably tell by the fact that I’m writing this in February. 

Increasingly New Year’s resolutions seem like one more thing.  Already, I don’t know a single person who does everything on the list:  checks her credit score every week, exercises precisely the number of times per week and minutes per session for optimal health, spends quality time with the children and spouse and herself, reads for fun, takes a class to push herself, optimizes job performance, relaxes fully, sleeps well, eats just enough, visits with neighbors, visits family on a regular basis, powerwashes the house before it starts to look green…Do I have to keep going here?

public domain_800px-February_calendar

Instead of resolutions, some folks receive star words to live with for the year.  These are meant to help you set an intention that’s a little more wide open than a list of resolutions and they are meant to unfold and illustrate and absorb meaning over the course of your year.  I like this idea better than naming a list of resolutions, but I’m just not looking for more to attend to – even a word.

Stepping out of my usual routine into vacation time over the Christmas break helped remind me of a world where people have each other over for dinner or show up for a visit and some coffee mid-afternoon.  I miss that world.  Of course I know it can’t be like that all the time, but neither can it all be saved up for a once-a-year-family-and-friends-fest – and then back to a starvation diet the other eleven months.

So this is not a list.  It’s not complete or authoritative.  If you are doing fine with your resolutions or your word for the year and you don’t need this, fantastic.  Come back when you feel hurried, crammed, or lonesome.

For the rest of us, 5 ideas for changing your pace and connecting to people and life at a deeper level…

Learn to cook something (new).  You can go big with something like fondue or simply make a homemade soup.  This one’s about delight, nurture, sustenance, and feeding your creative spirit as well as your stomach.     

Take a walk without having to get anywhere and see where it takes you.  You can do this in a mall or a nature trail or a state park.  Don’t set a goal.  Don’t rush.  Saunter or, as the French say, be a flâneur.  This one’s about being present and open to adventure.   Experience unfurling.

Sit down and compose correspondence.  You can do it by email or letter, but it should include thought and time.  (If you are unable to stay with the one draft you’re working on, rather than checking and responding to other email messages in one big multi-tasking mess, then compose offline.)  Say what you’ve been meaning to say to the other person or simply catch him up on your life.  This is qualitatively different than posting a bunch of Instagram pictures for him to cull through.  This one’s about going slowly enough to consider, gather thoughts, revise.

Give yourself regular time (daily or even weekly) to be unplugged, unscheduled, and unproductive.  Start with 10 minutes.  Turn off ringers and other intrusive notifications and set a timer so you don’t have to monitor the time.  You can sit on the porch, watch the clouds and squirrels, and be still.  You can use the time for mindfulness practice or prayer – but if that feels “productive” (One of my New Year’s resolutions is to spend time in prayer each day) then don’t.  Be.  Rest.  Catch up your body and soul with one another.  See where this leads.

Ask someone to show you what they love.  Why does your daughter love that song?  What does your grandfather get out of whittling?  How is running integral to your friend’s life?  Listen and pay attention.  You don’t have to love it, too, but love them.  Make space in your day and your heart to listen and receive (a gift in itself).  Let the other person take you by the hand and let yourself follow.

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photo credit:  public domain image

 

Becoming a Cake Saver Kind of Person

Do you have a pickle dish?  I don’t, but I grew up in a pickle dish family.  My grandmother canned and pickles were a staple, always in the fridge with plenty more jars lined up in the pantry.  Most meals at her house included pickles.  They were just one of those things you made a place for on the table, like salt and pepper or butter.  She served them in oblong cut-glass dishes, with little forks tucked in the side.  

glass pedestal cake saver with dome and doily

Towards the end of her life when my grandmother struggled to move around and unscrew the lids on pickle jars, the rest of us tried unsuccessfully to get her to forego the pickle dish.  Just put the jar on the table.  That’s good enough. 

The rest of us – visiting for the weekend from school and work and used to slap-it-on-the-table meals at our own homes – wanted the cooking and cleaning and towel-drying over with sooner.  Her way wasn’t our way and doing it my grandmother’s way meant more work for us.  All those special dishes pulled out of their spots in the cabinet, put into service on the table, emptied, cleaned, and put back again – and most of us didn’t eat many pickles either.  Why was this worth it to her?

I should point out here that I was once annoyed by the suggestion that bagged ice ought to be emptied into a serving bowl.  A friend’s mother asked to host her son’s birthday party at the Wesley Foundation and, after turning on the lights and hauling out one of our travel coolers to throw the bag of ice in, I was surprised when she asked if there was something nicer we could arrange.   

For someone who has prided herself on offering hospitality, I’ve been clueless about some of the finer points.  Let’s face it, there are times when the way someone offers hospitality doesn’t feel very welcoming and doesn’t incline you to make yourself at home.  But that can happen as easily through a thoughtless simple cooler as it can through a thoughtful fussy pickle dish.

Here’s the real confession:  I now have a cake saver.  One of those cut-glass, pedestal, domed cover things that seem so very Betty-Crocker-1955.  I don’t make many cakes or pies and I am strict about how many one-purpose items clutter up the kitchen.  So , for a long time I thought keeping a cake saver on hand for those infrequent occasions was unnecessary.

I don’t know why, but a couple of years ago I started to think otherwise.  I wanted a cake saver.  I had no grand plans to become a pastry chef or to start having a cake for Sunday dinner each week.  I simply thought it might be nice to have for those times when I did have a cake or pie to serve – or maybe even for a mound of cookies.

Visiting with my parents at the house that was once my grandmother’s, I found the cake saver in the same cabinet where she kept the pickle dishes.  No one’s baking cakes there anymore and nobody else in the family had claimed it, so I did.

Most of the time it sits up high on top of my kitchen cabinets and needs to be dusted when I bring it down.  But when I use it I see what was harder for me to understand when I just wanted to get the kitchen chores over with.  I see in it an attentiveness to beauty and delight, and hospitality deeper than the dish but showcased in it.

It’s worth it to make a place for all that on the table.

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photo credit:  © 2010 Lauren Mitchell,   CC BY 2.0

 

How to Quit Like a Scout

old girl scouts sash with badges

I don’t know where I got my notions and expectations, other than the word scouts, but I had the impression we’d be camping and spending time in the woods and, while not exactly learning survival skills, at least learning how to tie a knot. Nothing in my family life encouraged these expectations. We weren’t a camping or hiking family. My dad grew up on a farm but we were firmly planted in the suburbs. I was the oldest child and the oldest grandchild, so there weren’t more experienced siblings or cousins to suggest my Girl Scout experience wasn’t up to par.

I just had an inkling…

[Click here for the rest of the story at catapult magazine.]

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photo credit: © 2012 Steve Snodgrass, CC BY 2.0

A Year of Snow. Sort of.

Last week marked a year here at Snow Day.  As I said in my very first post, “I decided to invest more of my days with that snow day feel – space and pace…A walk through the snow makes it easy to taste and see what’s holy.  But there is holiness everywhere, every day.  I’m trying to leave enough room to notice that.” 

greenhouse in snow

 

I’m not all the way there yet.  I caught myself in a tizzy in December, fretting aloud to my husband about the craziness of my schedule that week and the domino-effect of changing one teeny thing in the line-up.  In full-out rant, I stumbled upon a deep truth as I blurted out, “I do this to myself!”

 

Then again, we took a Snow Day Weekend before students returned in January and it was the deepest relaxation I’ve experienced in a long time.  The fact that there was no actual snow involved should probably count as significant progress.

 

Relevant Magazine recently ran a piece about what to ask yourself before posting to social media.  The whole thing is good, thoughtful advice, but the question that has stuck with me is this one:  Is this a moment to protect?  The author talks about our cultural tendencies to interrupt ourselves in the midst of intimate, important moments in order to “share” those online.  

 

But the question hangs there for me, implicating other tendencies.  Is this a moment to protect?

 

I’m not picturing a smothering “protection” based in fear or controlling behavior.  I’m picturing the way tented plastic protects fragile plants from an early frost.  Just enough cover to allow them to grow and thrive, to assist in what they are already trying to do.

seedlings in plastic cups

 

A year in, I’m still looking for more internal snow days.  I’m not holding out for real snow days to do the work for me (though I’m ready any time, Mother Nature!) and I’m trying to rely less on permission from others.  This little plastic tent of a blog has afforded me a few protected moments and I hope it has for you.  Thank you for being part of the journey.

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Photo credits:  © 2008 Axel Kristinsson,   CC BY 2.0 ; © 2007 Tess Watson, CC BY 2.0